It’s perfectly commonplace to find yourself stuck in a rut when your relationship ends. I am the perfect example of this when I allowed the negativity from my 1st break up to snowball in to all areas of my life. Even with the second break up, until I read my old guide back to myself – I was on the road to becoming a monumental fuck-up! So here’s the deal;
You were born as one person.
You grew up as one person.
You learned about yourself and life and throughout the journey as one person you developed a personality.
Somewhere along the line in the bumpy path that is life, you met a girl. Things went well and you fell in love. Then things went not so well and for whatever reason, you’re single.
You feel you’ve lost a part of yourself and you don’t even know what you think or stand for any more. It’s perfectly normal to experience what is known as an ‘identity crisis’ after a breakup. You’ve become so immersed in each other over this duration, that you’ve forgotten what you’re all about.
Your goal here should not be just to get over your ex girlfriend, but to come out of this a better man. The best thing you can do right now is take a look at your life and ask yourself some serious questions. Some times in order to get ahead in life; we need to take a step back. So where do we start? How do we do this? Take a look at my suggestions as always, with an open mind. Ironically, it’s good to be aware that you are stuck in a rut – because you can then begin to get out of it.
Start a hobby
I honestly believe that everyone should have at least one hobby. A hobby adds balance to your life and relieves stress while keeping your mind in sound shape. With the situation you are in right now, it will add a welcome distraction and you will be learning a new skill. When you accomplish a goal in your chosen hobby, it can be extremely satisfying and improve your confidence.
So how do you know which hobby is right for you? This can be pretty daunting so do take time to think about it. There’s everything from learning guitar, learning a language, paragliding, rock climbing, scuba-diving, acting and writing poetry. There are literally millions of choices of hobbies out there.
Don’t be put off by having an interest in a hobby that isn’t perceived as ‘cool’ in the modern day. If stamp collecting or hiking gets you high and happy, fuck what everyone else thinks. This isn’t about keeping up with the Jones’s – this is about you and your happiness.
Have a side project
A side project is a little different to a hobby; however it adds the same benefits to your life. A side project can be decorating your new home or even moving to a new home (either will be an excellent decision if you lived together in the house you’re in now).
It can be searching for a new job, touching up your résumé or writing a book. It can be you finally entering the world of entrepreneurialism with an idea you once had. It’s all about channelling your energy and thinking somewhere else than to your ex.
Don’t underestimate the power of volunteering on your mental health. Helping out somebody in need will add a welcome distraction while you provide the world with a service. At the same time you might gain some perspective and see your life could be a lot worse than you think it is.
Review your health and fitness
I’ve already touched on the importance of this subject and I won’t talk the ass off it. What I will say is use this time to re-evaluate your health as there is nothing more important in life. If you are a comfort eater then you need to be getting on top of that. I was the opposite – I hardly ate a thing because my appetite completely plummeted, along with my weight. This is a weird one because if you’re comfort eating you can change what you’re putting in your mouth. When you’re not hungry you just can’t eat, I suggest protein shakes when you’re like this to get the inner furnace roaring once again. Downing a few of these will get nutrients in to your system and before you know it, you’ll be craving proper food.
Regardless of your situation, I’ll be looking to add to the resources page for many of the subjects we discuss here. Consider counteracting exercise with a hobby. There’s an array of examples such as a martial art, football with friends etc
Do you have dreams?
It’s time to awaken the sleeping giant within. Now presents the perfect timt to get unstuck from your break up rut and start to become that little boy again. You remember him? The one who wanted to be a rock star or an astronaut. Most people will tell you that this is unrealistic and childish. Well guess what, I disagree. Don’t be a people-pleaser; it’ll only make you more miserable. Tell me something, if you ignore your inner desires when you know deep down you can seriously improve your life; is that growing up or giving up??
Have you always wanted to live abroad? Start a business? Sell your artwork? Start looking in to whatever you want to do immediately. You don’t have to make an instant decision but at least get the cogs in your brain ticking.
Could this be a blessing in disguise?
Scowl away boy, scowl away. If you asked me the same thing a year ago I would have planned your death in my head. The way I looked at it was there is no way on earth this could be a good thing, I was suffering, the world was shit and it would never be good again. Until I had the “Aha” moment.
The “Aha” moment is when you have a premonition like a slap in the face to what you want to do in life. It’d been about three months since breakup number two and I was still fighting off the emotional shrapnel from the depression stage. Although I had a bit of fight in me, I still had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. I’d re-evaluated it to death and I still doubted that my recent ‘gift’ of bachelorhood was a good thing. A week later I’m in a lively bar in Ireland’s capital city, Dublin on St Patrick’s Day. (You wouldn’t believe me if I told you how cheap it was for a return ticket). The live music is upbeat, I’m with new friends I’d met since I’d took up rock-climbing, I’m heavily flirting with an insanely hot French girl. AHA! I had always wanted to live abroad! Why was I not doing it? I had no reason not to! What was I waiting for??
Weeks later I’m putting together a strategic debt payment plan and I eventually ended up living this dream of mine. This dream that at one point in my life, was going to linger in the boulevard of broken and forgotten dreams for the simple fact that I had to consider my ex’s feelings. The “AHA” moment taught me that my breakup was indeed a blessing in disguise. I’m not stuck in a rut any more but I can safely say that’s because I decided to get my life back on track.
. Although it may be uncomfortable at first, you need to re-evaluate your life after a break up
. It’s perfectly normal to have an identity crisis or to be stuck in a rut after a break up
. It’s important to have a hobby and a side project and the benefits are vital to your life
. This could be a blessing in disguise (seriously)
. Reclaim your right to have dreams, it’s you prerogative and your right as a human who wants to evolve
*NOTE* these exercises are pretty long but also paramount to your goal here. Don’t feel too pressured to answer all of these questions instantly but do give them a go and you can come back to them later.
FOR THESE EXERCISES YOU JUST NEED A PEN AND PAPER:
. List five negative people in your life right now. These are doing no good for you right now. (Either cut them out of your life or spend less time around them. Yes, this sounds brutal but don’t underestimate the poisonous power of negative influences in your delicate life).
. Who do you admire and respect? Who would you be like to be more like if you could have any life? What could you learn from them? (Make more of an effort to spend with these people or find people like them. If they are famous people you admire you can always study and read about them).
. What is your financial situation like? (If it’s a complete mess right now, I can certainly relate. I was out of my depth, I’m not exactly a millionaire now, but I have no debt and it feels GOOD. Setup a payment plan instantly). *HANDY HINT* – You’d be very surprised how flexible companies can be if you man up, tell them your financial situation and offer them a low monthly payment at first. In many countries in the world, the law states that companies must accept even the smallest of offers. I was paying some credit card companies £5 a month when they were wanting at least £100 per month. They came back months later and I could offer more and in the end, everything got paid in full. The worse thing you can do is run away from your debtors.
. List five things (or more) you are good at and enjoy doing, then a further 5 things (or more) that really interest you but you’ve never taken up. (Could be a hobby there).
. If you won the lottery tomorrow where would you go and what would you do? (You could have a dream here to make a reality)
*NOTE* to finish the exercise I want you to keep a small, pocket notebook and carry it around with you. Listen to your inner child and open up your mind. You never know when your “AHA” moment will arrive and when you do, you don’t want to forget it. If something excites you or you have an idea that makes you feel alive – write it down and then record it here later. Even if it feels or sounds silly at first – write it down. You’re not going to show anyone, so don’t be shy!
Go out an buy it now, what are you waiting for?