When men break up, do they go through the same stages of grief as the female of the species? Do we feel the same as women, or does our behaviour confuse how others perceive it?
Both women and men break up stages are a roller coaster of emotions and both sexes go through the same general stages of grief. Scour the internet or buy any book for this subject and most writers have a general agreement, nevertheless I’ll go through the stages and my interpretation of them. I’ve made it no secret that I have issues with a lot of information on post men break up ‘advice’ (the very little information that there is).
On this occasion I am in common agreement with the majority regarding what the stages of a post breakup are, my beef is the lack of information for how to get through these stages and how the main help is catered towards women. Even worse, the wrong information such as “how to win her back” is banded about in cruel profusion, which in turn adds false hope and more potential misery.
Stage 1 – Denial
(Also know to men as the ‘heavily drinking to suppress the pain’ stage).
Although you are aware your relationship is over it doesn’t ‘feel’ over. You’re receiving the sympathetic, head-tilted stares and “how are you” questions from caring family and peers and you’re answering in blinded optimism.
People close to you are questioning your sanity as you haven’t seemed to come to terms with what’s happened. Don’t worry, you’re not a nutcase and this is completely normal for a broken hearted human being and all of the symptoms have an uncanny similarity to the stages of bereavement. Denial is your brain carrying out its job of providing a defense mechanism to a sudden nasty event. To put it another way – it’s simply a subconscious technique to help cushion the blow.
Despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary, a big part of you believes she’ll change her mind, or call. If you were the dumper you might even call her and talk to her like nothing has changed. The good news is this process doesn’t last too long and the men in white coats won’t be coming to your door (probably).
Stage 2- Anger
(Also known to men as the ‘acting like a crazy bastard’ stage).
We’ve already covered our difficulty of getting in touch with our emotions, but the one sensation that men have no problem recognising is – anger!
You’ll know when the denial stage is over when the red mist has arrived. You’re angry at her. You’re angry at yourself. You’re angry at the world. You try to hate her because you think it’ll be easier, but it has the opposite effect. You may feel the need to compete with whats-her-name and may search for a rebound girl just for the feeling of bittersweet revenge.
This slightly psychotic stage is potentially the most damaging out of the five post break up stages for men. Be careful of your actions and stay away from excessive alcohol for now. Your choice. In a weird double-edged sword twist, feeling anger could be seen as a bit of positive news. The reason I say this is because it’s obvious that the ball is rolling and that you are processing through the breakup stages, however you should look to get through this cancerous stage as soon as possible.
Stage 3- Bargaining
(Also known to men as the ‘acting like a complete pathetic pussy’ stage).
If you are the dumped one, you have a desire and a blind hope of faith that you can somehow still work it out. You become a full-time negotiator and find yourself saying embarrassing things like “I can change” or “it’ll be different this time, I promise.” Even if you’re not chasing her about, you have this assertive feeling inside that if you change your strategy – you can get back together.
If you’re the dumper, you’re doubting your decision and thinking “she can change.” The bargaining stage can turn the very best of us in to a crumbling, pleading, begging, wuss of a mess and our dignity can go well out of the window. Ride it out and keep your chin up.
Stage 4-Depression
(Also known to men as the ‘I want the world to just fuck off and leave me alone’ stage).
This is by far the longest and toughest of all of the break up stages for men and women. It’s not abnormal to feel the lowest you ever have in your life at this point. You feel worthless. Motivation and confidence is at an all time low and you can fall victim of an identity crisis. Anxiety, emptiness, hopelessness have the capacity to turn you in to a hermit.
And now for the good news; regardless of what you hear, there IS a time limit for this horrible feeling and the advice in this guide is catered mainly for this stage. What you experience here is reactive depression, which is the most common form. This is when a state of extreme sadness is triggered by an external event of trauma such as a death, an attack or of course – a break up of a romantic relationship. The very words (reactive depression) sound serious, but don’t worry; it’s completely normal and you shouldn’t be ashamed of being human.
Don’t listen to bullshit like “it will take a month for every year you and whats-her-name were together in order to feel better.” That is recycled and unfounded trash; it’s your reaction to the reactive depression that decides how long it stays for! Hold on to your objective, this awful stage won’t last forever. At the same time, it’s not a bed of roses and you’re going to have to have a bit of fight in you.
Stage 5 – Acceptance
(Also known to men as the “I’m smiling again and life is awesome” stage)
The acceptance stage is what it says it is; you haven’t forgot what happened but you are able to move forward with your life. You don’t spend any more time thinking about her and life is carrying on with the focus being on you. This should be every broken hearted man’s goal here and it feels like a heavy chain has been removed from your neck when it happens.
You can think about your ex girlfriend and feel apathetic, instead of pathetic 
(Aaah come on, I’m allowed to say that because I’m also poking fun at the former me). Although this might seem very far away or even impossible; it’s very attainable and the sooner you help yourself, the sooner you will be at this stage.
Now What?
The chances are quite high that you’ve all found this guide at different stages of the breakup process and you might be thinking along the lines of; “I wish I didn’t do this/that when I was at that stage.” Well cut that thinking out for a start. It’s never too late to wipe the clean slate and start doing things properly. Choose now.
*Warning* If you do things wrong, there is always risk that you can go backwards in stages. For example; if you wallow too much in the depression stage (four) you can find yourself bargaining and back at stage number three. When men break up they can lose the plot too much at the anger stage (two) and you could find yourself back in denial (back to square one). Think of it as a league table, with the acceptance stage being the championship and everything else being relegation.
Chapter Summary:
. Both women and men break up stages are generally the same, women just seem to do it that little bit better
. You now know the stages and can use this chapter as a reminder to where you are
. If you’ve acted a little crazy or out of character – you’re not alone, don’t beat yourself up
. Without the proper action you can get ‘relegated’ to a stage you’ve already been through
Chapter Exercises:
. After reading the chapter on the stages of a breakup, which one do you think are you at right now? Click on which of the following, it will take you to the correct stage in the forums where this site can aid you further;
. When you register in the ex girlfriend forum you have an option to choose what stage you are currently in. If you haven’t already, select the appropriate stage.This will act as a reminder and you’ll be able to use the guide more effectively and relate better to others
**CLICK HERE FOR THE NEXT CHAPTER**
Im jumping between depression and acceptance , i have my lucid moments when i spend time with my friends or at work or at the gym, but then at the end of the day i find myself alone on my queen bed and i feel lonely, i dont miss my ex( at least thats wbat i think) but i feel lonely and im afraid that shit is going to send me straight to the barganing stage , any words of wisdom???
hang in there bro, make a list of everything you couldn’t stand or found problems with in your relationship…every time you think of picking that phone up or sending an email GRAB THAT LIST. good luck, you’re almost there!
I slipped into the bargaining stage tonight. She just keeps me on the hook by saying that when all her problems are sorted we can give it another try.
Don’t fall for it. She wants a security blanket. Thats not you…is it?
my boyfreind never was in love with me, hes out having a good time and mving on telling me to go out and b happy. hes putting the blame on me when he got caught deleting messages from his former gf and i kicked him out for it, he didnt even apologize til after and it wasnt even a sincere one but says he has to mve on. my question is does he feel anything can men just use people like this and leave me with a broken heart, i need a mans perspective plse because i feel like i was used and he doesnt care and that pain is so bad i cant move on unless i knowif he really loved me at all and how he can just leave without telling me the truth.
(I hope you can see this message)
I’ll tell you what I can judge according to my own experience.
I’m currently (according to this website) at the stage 4. Which makes me a “dumper” who does regret breaking up with his ex-girlfriend. I couldn’t and still cannot use another girl as what we call a “rebound” (it has been for more than a year now).
I do not know for how long you had been together, but I’ve met men who could pretend having a relationship for a month or less just to enjoy a fun time. You can see the same among women too. But this doesn’t mean it applies to your boyfriend. The only one who could answer if he did really love you or if he still have feelings for you is himself. But I discourage you asking it. If he does love you, he’ll come back to you. But this doesn’t mean you have to wait. Being the dumper or the dumped one, you cannot put all your life on one person. Otherwise, you’ll freeze like I did.
I did think that “if someone truly love you, he’ll come back” being real bullshit, until I found myself doing it. During the first months after my break up, I enjoyed myself to forget. Maybe this gave to my ex the impression I was moving on. The fact is I never really did, I was just going in loops, trying to justify what I did. It took me four months of being a jerk, mostly, to realise I wasn’t that well. That maybe I did commit a mistake. I swallowed my pride and came back, crawled, begged to my ex-girlfriend (stage 3). But in the mean time, she had set her mind and didn’t want me back. Now I’m trying to put myself together, or what is left of it.
What I can say about me, is even if I did act not that great to the one I loved, I did care about her. Even now, a year after, I do still care about her. I have learned much from it though. I just wish I could have had that knowledge earlier.
I’ll leave my email in case you need to talk, you could try to consult a psychologist. I do and it helps me more than I could ever think of.
(Sorry if my english is bad, I did my best
)
Sincerely,
Lawrence
ardwiz@hotmail.com
Wow as I read your message it touched me. I myself have been recently (4mon) dumped and immediately she was dating someone which leads me to believe she had already
Started something with dat person even before I asked her to move out. These people you and I dealt with are heartless individual that someday I hope to feel our same pain. I know by now you have probably moved on and I’m tryin to do my self. Very hard. Like I’m totally damaged but taking every step to recover. Basically what I want to say to you is thank you.
For putting ur experience out here and helping others with the same experience see we are not alone.
me(21) and boyfriend (28) have fought. he was trying to convince me and clam me down. but I kept say break up. and he lost his patience. he said yes to break up. and I ended up apologised to him. I keep apologise and say sorry for what I said to him. he didnt response. its been 4 days he ignore me. now what to do ???
He is punishing you , give him time . He may forgive , if not you will have to live with it,but don’t badger him.
I am a woman who ended something with a guy and he keeps trying to still sleep together, I told him I don’t want that but he keeps wanting me to admit that I want him. I guess he feels I left him because he was a bad lover-not the case. I told him I just wanted to be friends and just talk about random things as this will help me move on , he got pissed and told me he just want to talk about sex and if I change the subject he threatens to leave. Why is it so hard for him to just admit we are not right together like I have and remain friends, I have stayed friends with all my exs and I find that is the best way to heal . I am very dissapointed, I know he cared about me but now that it’s over he is acting like a total jerk and is pushing me away when all I want is friendship. He says I am crazy and just to leave him alone…it really hurts because it would greatly help my healing process.
By the way I don’t really think he actually want sex, last time he texted me about sex was at 9:30 in the morning from another city! What type of booty call is that?
Hello,
After 5 years my girlfriend left me or an other… It has been 3 months ago know and it seems that i am stuck in the anger, bargaining and derpresssion fase all at het same time, it goes up and down.
Does anybody recognize this problem?
thanks
ps. sorry for the writing mistakes
i do the same , in my case i needed some resolution .. bargaining becoming too much of whining and clingy needyness … i bombarded her with mails and msgs and pushed her so far away that i forced her to block-remove-delete me from everywhere …
than i lost it last night , i cursed at her and said terrible things , and i^m ashamed that i reacted like this , but i needed this … i needed it so i know its over , so i know nothing i say can get her back and everything i say is just making it worse , so i know i have to move on though there always be hope we meet again … in another place as different people
‘M’ your post reads exactly how i was with my break up…Except the things i said to her were things that made her want to have no contact with me whatsoever..Which i needed because i knew i would only want to be friends with her in vane hope i could be more which would only cause me damage..Its a logic that works so i wouldn’t feel too bad about it…I did the whole e mail bombarding thing like a yoyo. I’d still be doing it now im sure if i didn’t find this website.
I have similar days like that Belgium..I can sometimes go from anger, to denial and depression and acceptance…I am not barganing no more…but i do feel like doing that sometimes, even if only in my head…I can feel all of the stages in 5 minutes sometimes.
I’m going through a sudden break up. I got a card and flowers on Monday stating how much she loved me and wanted to be with me. The following Thursday I got called over for dinner and she said she wanted to end it. Very confusing hurtful and frustrating. The following week she was sending text saying she misses me and misses sleeping with me. When i answer the texts, of course no response.
I learned quickly that she was just sending those messages to see if I would respond as to stroke her ego.
I texted her saying “do not send me anymore messages, you broke up with me, let me be”
People are so selfish, it’s bad enough she broke my heart , now she wants to use me for her comfort. i will walk away with my dignity, pride and manhood intact.
I’m trying to get over my husband. A year ago we decided to
Take a break which I had no say in. But we where fighting a lot. Instead of dealing with our issuses he went out and I would yell. For a year now we tried but unseated it got worst and he became so angry at me accusing me of cheating etc. Then came he that I didnt understand him and didn’t love him. But i do. Now it is he dislikes everything about me and I bring him down. When I stay away he comes back when I call I’m bothering him. I’m so confused. He tells me
That he wants me to be happy and that he feels he has to let me go. I’m stuck and heartbroken we both have made mistakes but he seems to blame everything on me it’s ridiculous. Help
I am at the Depression stage I think, this is the toughest stage. That is why I found this article about the different stages. Me and my “Fiance” were engaged, and then she just broke it off out of nowhere, and I don’t even know what happen. Very depressed and don’t know what to do with myself. I love her so much, but yet can’t have her.
I recently broke up with my girlfriend. We’ve been together for about a year, and we’ve had the same constant problems from the start. I’ve tried to convince her that she’s my everything, but she doesn’t see it that way and in turn it makes me distance myself from her when I’m around my friends.
I’ve always had the “I don’t think this is going to work anymore” feeling. Always. But I’ve never been strong enough to go through with it. The most recent issue that pushed me to make my decision was that I caught her lying to me. She looked me dead in my eyes and lied to me, repeatedly, even after I knew the truth. I’ve never lied to her about anything and she easily picks stuff out of my past that she has a problem with. I lost all trust in her from that point on, but I tried to regain some in the following days. It never happened.
I called it off and I felt confident that I’d be fine with moving on. But only a few days passed and I was sending her texts. She still wants to be with me. She loves me, or says she does…yet she still speaks to the guy who tore us apart, who she lied to me about speaking to in the first place…I don’t know what to do.
I’m 19, and my first “real” relationship just ended. My ex, was in a previous relationship for three years, with a dirt bag. He treated her like crap and all she could say to me, was how happy she found me.She literally had 0 days between him, and when here and i started talking. She constantly told me of how this felt real for the first time, and how it was suppose to be. However, 9 months into our relationship her ex texted her. To make a long story short, the next month she broke up with me. She initially said to me she needed space, to distance herself from her past. That she just had so many things going on, that she just needed a little time for herself to become happy. I was saddened, but remained strong. I wanted her to become happy, no matter what it took, being with me or not, I wanted her happiness most of all. However, four days latter, she finally told me the real reason was because she was giving her ex another chance. I was devastated. I initially was filled with extreme rage! Then it subsided. But i keep jumping in between stages. One part of the day I’m happy, I’m glad she ended it. I know she didn’t care, and i know i deserve someone who actually will. Then other parts of the day I’m back in the Bargaining stage. I don’t care what happened or how bad she hurt me, i just want her back. Then its back to depression, with a jolt of anger, and I’m happy again. I know i don’t want her. But i also know that, she has a lot of personal issure herself, and i know that she is the one who needs to change, but instead, she has put the burden of change on her ex. She’s taking the easy way out, by thinking that all that has to happen is that he has to change, and it will be all fine. I know she will see that he wont change, and i fear i wont have the strength to say no to her when she realizes what she lost.How to i find the strength to say no if she comes back, when my heart is begging for that day. But my mind knows its a bad idea.
Situation sounds very similar to mine, im just not sure if the ex is in the picture or not… as this was a few months ago..how are you travelling now?
My girlfriend and i broke up after 3 1/2 years. It’s been 2 months and I’m stuck at the anger stage. Every day I’m angry and drinking my life away. From moment i wake up till the second i fall asleep nothing but alcohol and i can’t stop or want to stop , i think. I don’t know what to do other than feel angry.
Hello! Thanks for the article. I find it very reliable and true. Evidently, I find myself on the bargain-depression stage – torn between. And it is true, with improper actions, one can make a relapse of stage. I can describe my stages as to what I search on the net accordingly (sorry for this lol) – What goes in his mind after breakup (virgo male), how to get an ex back, Effects of no contact rule-then finally, stages of a breakup..
I’ve been in a 9month relationship with my ex, and apparently, we’re attending the same classes in college. So you can just imagine how awful it is for me.. The breakup was triggered due “incompatibility issues” and on-off fights that made him grew tired of it. It’s gonna be 3 months now since he broke up with me..
I know I’m in a bargain stage, when I see a ray of hope, I become satisfied and secured, and once chances of getting back to him didn’t work, depression and hopelessness always come in. (By the way, I’m in a no contact rule). I’ve heard from a friend that when he is being asked about whether his decision is final, he’s reply was, “I’m over her-but not totally. I was turned off of who she was when I was with her.. I think that’s just it for us…” I’m also a non-smoker, but I tried doing it as part of coping mechanisms and I have also started to fix myself more, in areas I know needed to reinvent or play up. Those things caught his attention and told to my friend that I am being bitchy and overly advertising myself to men. — Ugh! And also, within those 3 months of not being together, he has never initiated to talk to me. Not a single text to check how I was… If I talk to him, he would reply, but just according to my message, no more no less.
Can you spread some enlightenment of what stages he gone through and going through? And may I know what I should best to?
Thank you! Needed much. :-/
Hello! Thanks for the article. I find it very reliable and true. Evidently, I find myself on the bargain-depression stage – torn between. And it is true, with improper actions, one can make a relapse of stage. I can describe my stages as to what I search on the net accordingly (sorry for this lol) – What goes in his mind after breakup (virgo male), how to get an ex back, Effects of no contact rule-then finally, stages of a breakup..
I’ve been in a 9month relationship with my ex, and apparently, we’re attending the same classes in college. So you can just imagine how awful it is for me.. The breakup was triggered due to “incompatibility issues” and on-off fights that made him grew tired of it. It’s gonna be 3 months now since he broke up with me..
I know I’m in a bargain stage, when I see a ray of hope, I become satisfied and secured, and once chances of getting back to him didn’t work, depression and hopelessness always come in. (By the way, I’m in a no contact rule). I’ve heard from a friend that when he is being asked about whether his decision is final, his reply was, “I’m over her-but not totally. I was turned off of who she was when I was with her.. I think that’s just it for us…” I’m also a non-smoker, but I tried doing it as part of coping mechanisms and I have also started to fix myself more, in areas I know needed to reinvent or play up. Those things caught his attention and told to my friend that I am being bitchy and overly advertising myself to men. — Ugh! And also, within those 3 months of not being together, he has never initiated to talk to me. Not a single text to check how I was… If I talk to him, he would reply, but just according to my message, no more no less.
Can you spread some enlightenment of what stages he gone through and going through? And may I know what I should best to?
Thank you! Needed much. :-/
My girlfriend of just over 4 years and I broke up yesterday.
At about 1 and a half years into our relationship, we started talking about marriage and since then it had been all talk about getting married, where the honey moon would be, where we would live, how many kids, kids names, how many pets, size of house, etc. I was as happy as could be. I loved her and she loved me.
Suddenly, right after Thanksgiving, I went over to her house while her parents and family were out of town and I caught her there alone with another man. She claimed that he was only there to look at her art projects for school, but there was so many things wrong with the situation that indicated cheating. That following Monday, she went to his house and fell asleep, stayed very late, ignored all of my phone calls, and ended up kissing him. She finally admitted it to me and said she was sorry, but she couldn’t give up this guy.
She became attracted to him, and even though she said that the attraction was now gone, she absolutely refused to give him up. Several times over the past 5 weeks since this has happened, I told her that she needs to get rid of him. I want to forgive her and want to still be with her, but she had to get rid of him in order for me to trust her again. She continued to hang out with him and hold on to him. It tore me up. I made her choose between me or him. I couldn’t suffer the pain of being one of two guys. She chose him.
I was at the bargaining stage before we even broke up, but in the end I decided that it would be less painful to break up with her than to be one of two guys at all times. I’m angry at her, but I’m not destroying anything. I am not really in denial of it. I know it happened. I would say that I’m more in the depression stage right now. I so badly want to call her, but I know that she’s out having fun with the man that she left me for.
She said that she still wants to be with me and that she loves me and that she doesn’t want to lose me. I want to believe it, but I believe that it’s all just a ploy to keep me around for her own happiness. I have suffered over this for the past month and now I decided to keep my last shred of dignity and not accept her being friends with the man she cheated on me with. Even if I did accept it and let her keep her friend so that I could stay, I would still have to live with the fact that in a situation where she was forced to choose, she chose him.
I’m trying to recover and free my mind of all this, but I’m in a small town with hardly any friends and family around. I’m usually alone in my house and I can’t stand being alone with my thoughts. I’ve wept over this many times and have decided to weep no more, but the more I think about it, the more I want to cry. How can I move on? I know it’s only been a day, but I don’t even know what to do with myself. I planned my whole life around her.
Somebody please help.
My case is exactly like yours. We broke up two days ago. She’s with him now. I was proud not having shed a tear yet. But just reading your situation was like watching my own from a whole different third perspective and I’m finding this minute to be the hardest yet stay dry eyed. I really don’t understand that. I too live in a small town, only my parents are near… Over the last two years of my relationship my social life and friends had quietly disappeared one by one, didn’t even take notice or concern. Now I’m here, day 3, called in to work, halfway done with my fifth of Canadian whiskey at 8:43am. Waiting anxiously for all this to be gone. I hope things get better for you soon. Take care.
Chris
Me and my girlfriend of three years broke up just after Christmas. I do not know what stage I am in. I have accepted that since starting university that she has changed so her feelings have changed and I cannot do anything about it.
I haven’t been angry and I know that the bargaining stage is futile so I am not wasting my time even considering that course of action.
I have had incredibly supportive friends but I still feel very lonely when my mind is not occupied by other things which has led to many sleepless nights. I feel like I have lost a very close friend and that I cannot fully share my thoughts and anxieties with her because I cut off all communication and I feel that my friends have been burdened with my feelings enough, especially at what should be a positive time of her.
I do not have any single female friends and I am rarely in situations to meet any because we have a close friend group where outsiders rarely enter and we usually stay in together. This is my main worry that I cannot meet any new people so it makes me want to talk to her which I know I should not do in order to aid the process.
Thank you for giving me a place to vent and for any advice
Joan…He as moved on. I think emotions are awful. We look out for anything that the other person…male or female says or does even when it isnt aimed at ourselfs. Facebook and the likes, checking and hoping they are missing us. Sadly i truelly believe if someone lets you go and they have a period time of time to think about the spilt and decide they dont want to get intouch then yes you can email to see and tell them you are missing them but if that doesnt spur them to come and try then nothing will.
Men and women are similar in some ways and i believe the dumper starts closing down before we get a drift of anything this is hard for the dumpee as it comes out of the blue, or so we think. Looking back they was signs, we didnt believe it would end..we said we would change and they pushed and pushed for more..until no more could be given and they left leaving behind heartache.
Time they say is a big healer and i am in a stage where am angry then lonely then low and i havent got to the stage where i dont care yet but i remember years ago spiltting with the love of my life and it took me 2yrs. I didnt see anyone imtimatly for them years as i couldnt, though he moved on and moved in with someone in that time…this time i dont want to shut down and waste years when i know they arent sat crying over us….its hard but you lay it on the table..lose dignity and tell them how you feel and it gets thrown in your face. Now its time to wipe yourself clean and make yourself busy….KEEP BUSY. If you drink and go out partying and it helps so be it but i think that just prolongs things. Slowly we move forward, then out of the blue you may see them or hear from them…but remember this…you wasnt worth the fight then…now they have gone to try the free world and dont like being on there own they come to you…have some self respect and even if it kills you say no thankyou, i invested too much time in to get hurt i wont risk that again…then walk tall. I am telling you they will always look back and regret it..if in mths later after this stage they are still fighting and wanting to see you then make them work for it…as easy work means easy leave…hard work means they will stay. Goodluck everyone x