The No Contact Rule is absolutely vital in order to heal after a breakup and if ignored can seriously halt your quest to get over your ex girlfriend. Part one of this guide examines and explains the very few exceptions to the No Contact rule. I have devoted a substantial amount on this subject for a reason – I believe it’s where a lot of guys go wrong and it’s the absolute golden rule of surviving a breakup.
So what exactly is the ‘no contact rule?’ Well I’m pretty sure you’ll already know, but allow me to elaborate.
So you’ve had your heart shit on from a large height, you’ve begged, pleaded and lost all dignity after failing to win back your ex girlfriend. Or maybe you’ve broken up with her and although you know it’s for the best, you find yourself hanging on even though it’s doing you no favours. The No Contact rule is when you completely cut yourself off from your ex and cut her out of your life, the two variations of NC are:
1.) Informing your ex girlfriend that you won’t be contacting her anymore and that she shouldn’t contact you
2.) Cut off contact with your ex girlfriend, don’t tell her and ignore any efforts of her contacting you
So here’s the conundrum – which one do you choose? There isn’t a perfect choice and everyone has their own personal situation, but I prefer number one. I’ll leave the option up to you, if you’re not on speaking terms, number two is perfect. If you are keeping in contact and it’s doing your queasy-stomached feeling no good, choose number one. Nevertheless – stick to your decision and stay strong! I’ll help you to compose a NC message later on if you’re up for it but stuck for words.
Now this is somewhat a controversial subject and I’m sure it will lead to the word “but” being used in abundance.
“But you don’t understand”…”
“But she’s my best friend”…
“But I need her…”
“But she needs me…”
Enough already! I’ll explain in further detail the pros and pros of NC but first I will discuss the very few delicate exceptions to this integral rule:
The Exceptions to The No Contact Rule:
You and your ex girlfriend have children together:
In an ideal world you could just disappear off the face of the earth because you have only your own feelings to consider. Unfortunately this is not an ideal world and if you have children, it’s a much trickier situation. If you have little ones feelings to consider, don’t bring the kids in to this and don’t use them as a pawn in any sick kind of game. Tell whats-her-name something like; “look, I know this isn’t an ideal situation, but I think it’d be better if we only contact each other if it concerns our child/children.” Say it with confidence and without bitterness, if she’s unreasonable then that’s her problem, be the better person and you’ll be thankful for it later on.
You work with her:
Ouch mate, very ouch! If it’s not the job of your dreams then I suggest an intense job hunt. You’ll have a double fresh start and a new distraction, not to mention a change of environment. If it is the job of your dreams, stay professional and never ever talk about your former relationship and spend as little time as possible together. You could say the same to her with regards to no contact as the above example but replace the word “children” with “business” or “work-related.”
You have shared financial responsibilities:
Whatever it is; mortgage, car payments or credit card debts – you must act immediately. Don’t let it draw out, attack it before it becomes too much of an issue. You might need to meet up if you are required to sign papers and its best you do it sooner rather than later. Note that after my 1st breakup I did this the wrong way round. I held out for a month of No Contact, only to have to meet up to discuss our shared debts. Then I found myself back at square one. With whats-her-name number two I had learned my lesson and took the bull by the horns; sorted out everything fast, then implemented the No Contact Rule. It made things substantially easier.
Well that’s the end of the exceptions. If you don’t qualify for any of the above then I’m afraid the no contact rule is compulsory for you. So are you up for it? Well you better be, because going ex girlfriend cold-turkey is something that requires 100% downright commitment.
I’m sure you will have some doubts in your mind on this and I’m not going to pretend it’s easy. While the complete loss of a person from your life who you once shared an important time with is painful in itself, the benefits far outweigh the initial turmoil and the potential unnecessary suffering.
Before we move on to The No Contact Rule part 2, which will act as a reinforcement of the importance of no contact, I want you to do yourself a favour. If you choose to inform your ex girlfriend about your decision to follow the golden rule of no contact – do it now. Don’t drag them feet now. Say something along the lines of: “Hey, I’ve been thinking and I believe that this is the best thing for us. I really think it’s in our best interests if we cut contact with each other.” Or something similar, do not leave any possibility for her to think it is anything else than what it is. Avoid words like “right now” or “at this time.” Visit this part of the forum, for other examples.
Then press ‘send’ (assuming you have not met up with her).
How does it feel? It should feel good and you should feel damn good about yourself. Why? Because you’ve just taken control of your life, that’s why! But of course you will feel an array of emotions that will contradict your thoughts that race throughout your head.
But what if she replies? Should you reply? Have you made the right decision? It’s quite normal to freak out after this, but not to worry. Go straight to the next page, I’ve got that covered. In fact, have a 5 minute break after this information overload. Men have short concentrations spans and I don’t want you missing the point.
Chapter Summary:
. You need to remove the main source of pain in order to heal, and that source is whats-her-name
. There are a few exceptions, but there are a few tweaks that enable you to use The No Contact Rule as much as possible
. Cold Turkey is not easy, but it’s better for you in the long run
. Be proud when you’ve made the decision, this is symbolic in your recovery
Chapter Exercises:
. If you’re choosing any of the NC message choices, do it now. What are you waiting for?
yeap! I am a woman and this is the second time (in about 3 weeks) I come and visit… first time I read trhough all the steps to get over ex…in one night and helped a lot given the circumstances. This time I plan to reread slowly again each chapter… Just finished first and thought on leaving a thank you note.
I know you had male readres in mind when writing… maybe it is me, who needs to hear the male point of view for behind the trenches… I dunno. But I find your advice helpful… And it shows it required a big amount of work, thinking and time to share it.
So, there, Thankyou!
Luz
This is by far the hardest part about a new breakup. Once you can master this, i believe the rest is a lot easier. Im struggling to fully commit to this. Once you get that anxiety and panicky feeling, its hard to not give in a write a text or dial a phone.
I dont know how many times i’ve read pt 1 and pt 2 of this. It makes so much sense, but it just feels wrong. I guess a lot of this has to do with your head and heart battling it out.
I have also struggled with this. Broke up about a month ago and since then has been a few texts back and forward. Now I’m at the point where I know that no contact is vital in getting over her.
Stopping myself from facebook stalking if feking hard. Even though i asked her to block me i would still check her picture from another made up account…I honestly dont know why…Crazy, scary shit…But I havn’t done that in about 3 weeks now and intend to never again..It’s hard, but i just feel sleezy and lack integrety and dignity everytime i feel tempted. Not to mention the fact it would do me no favours and more likely bring me back to square one…Facebook counts as contact i remind myself…That shitbook if fekin evil after a break up. Stay strong people.